Mistakes from which to learn

I've never been married before. I have no idea what I'm doing. Each day, month and year brings a new experience that allows me to either succeed or fail grow as a wife. Following are some experiences I've had that have enlightened me and perhaps might help others, too. (Thank goodness for the sacrament of reconciliation!)

1. Comparing our marital journey to others' marital journeys. I know, it seems kind of ironic to say that this is a mistake in marriage when I'm writing a blog on the topic of marriage for others to read and potentially take some advice from, ha! We've already established I'm clueless when it comes to what it takes to have a long, healthy, holy and successful marriage. Regardless, it is not healthy to compare yourself to others in any way other than growing in holiness, really, and that might even be a stretch. One couple's journey is not your own, so putting yourself on any kind of timeline or checklist of perceived accomplishments sets you and your spouse up for a rocky road full of unnecessary rushing of things and potential envy or jealousy. No bueno.

2. Forgetting to let Mark relax and veg in his free time. So my husband works up to 10 hours a day, five days a week and sometimes on weekends, especially when he's traveling. There is no "comp time" in his company; they all work their tooshies off. To describe Mark as hardworking is probably an understatement. More often than I care to admit, I get annoyed or don't understand when all my husband wants to do after coming home from a long day at work or finding a few days' rest during the weekend is relax and rejuvenate himself. I have to remember that it is in my general nature to be a busybody; I have an extremely difficult time sitting down in front of the television and not doing anything but watching whatever's on. I have a hard time sitting still while I'm at home because my eyes eventually start wondering around and my mind is triggered by seeing things I need to work on. That's fine for me (though I need to learn to slow down, too!), but not everyone needs to be just like me. While my husband certainly enjoys being a handyman and working on projects around the house, every night or every weekend does not need to be project time, and he more than deserves time to just do nothing. Doesn't everyone from time to time? This is my opportunity to bless him by loving him, serving him and giving him the time he wants to not think. Thank you for all you do to support our family, honey!

3. Wanting to be recognized for every sacrifice or extra effort I put into blessing our marriage and home life. "I have never wished for human glory, contempt it was that had attraction for my heart; but having recognized that this again was too glorious for me, I ardently desire to be forgotten." ~ St. Thérèse de Lisieux. Oh, to be that holy! It is a mighty thing to swallow your pride (if that's what this is?) and do what needs to be done, or even giving that extra umph to make things special, without wanting Mark to notice. It's not that I even do this as much as I should, it's just those times when I long to receive praise for behaving or serving in a way that is really already expected as a woman trying to grow as a Godly wife.

What kind of mistakes do you keep making in your marriage? Are there any you have stopped making? How do you do that?

Oct. 25, 2008, Jessica and Jamon Copeland's wedding

Representing Jesus in your marriage

As Christians, we're taught that marriage is supposed to reflect the personal and intimate union between Christ and his Church. That's a huge call!

If your marriage is one that publicly displays discord on a regular basis, think about what that means in regards to reflecting the union between Christ and his Church. I'm not talking about a low profile disagreement here and there but more about those times it makes others uncomfortable to be around you because you're not being discreet with each other about your negative feelings regarding something in your relationship.

It seems that while we should be sincere and real about our marriages in public, we should also be making the extra effort to be on our best behavior, to put on a good face and be positive about our relationship especially when in public. You're representing Jesus here, folks.

Besides, being on our best behavior is bound to be good for our marriages, anyway. It can most certainly soften our hearts if we're harboring negative feelings or need time to cool down before reacting to a situation.

I almost always kick myself after a situation when I've poorly and too openly displayed my negative emotions to Mark in public. It's embarrassing for everyone, and it leaves a poor taste in everyone's mouth. You especially don't want your spouse's loved ones to think you don't honor your spouse in a holy way.

Next time you're around friends or in public with your honey and feel like snapping at him / her, making a negative comment or even using ugly body language, think precisely about that -- honoring your spouse in a holy way. It can only improve your marriage and draw you closer to the Lord. Not saying it's easy, but it's definitely something to be aware of and work on.

Aug. 29, 2008, the day we got engaged -- a celebration dinner at Pappadeaux (yum!)

Great podcasts about marriage

I'm all about marriage enrichment. Whether it's through experienced couples, blogs or talks / seminars, I enjoy learning how to be a better wife, how to have the best marriage possible.

About a year and a half ago, I discovered podcasts. I know, a little late on the bandwagon there. Still, I subscribe to a ridiculous amount of them through iTunes and listen to one after the other on my work commute. I've learned a lot about gardening, travel and even marriage (among other topics)! If you spend a good amount of time in your car or enjoy listening to audiobooks and haven't discovered the world of podcasts, do some perusing. There's a world of knowledge out there that's just waiting to be heard.

Podcasts on marriage I'd recommend
Subscribe in iTunes

• Building relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman: Building Relationships is a weekly 54-minute program offering life-changing insight and realistic advice rooted in the Word of God. Hosted by bestselling author Dr. Gary Chapman, Chris Fabry and Andrea Fabry, Building Relationships is designed to provide fun and informative, practical help for your marriage.
• Focus on the family: focus on marriage 
• Love language minute with Dr. Gary Chapman: A Love Language Minute is a daily one-minute program. In a world where life is so busy that most people forget to care for their closest relationships, Gary Chapman is there to help individuals refocus and recalibrate.
• Marriage today with Jimmy and Karen: Marriage Today with Jimmy and Karen is co-hosted by best-selling author, Jimmy Evans and his wife Karen. Jimmy is author of the best selling book Marriage on the Rock and Our Secret Paradise.  Marriage Today with Jimmy and Karen is a national television program that missions to enhance marriage and family relationships all across America.

Got any other recommendations?

 June 13, 2009

Disagreeing in a healthy way

My brother-in-law sent me an article he thought went well with my marriage blog, so I thought I'd post a link to it! I appreciate the suggestion, Paul. :)

It is an article about ways to disagree ("fight") in a healthy way. Definitely some good points to note, especially:

"This is important to me. Please listen."
"I overreacted. I'm sorry."
"I realize it's not your fault."
"I'm sorry."

We could all use this reminder about trying to communicate in a loving way when we don't always see eye to eye right away.

Read more here.

Picking battles

I'll admit it -- I can sometimes be too sensitive.  I'd like to say I've gotten better over the years, but in all honesty, I'm not sure there's been a noticeable improvement, at least to others.

I think choosing your battles is a fine art one has to master.  It's difficult to let some things roll off your back, but I know that, in all reality, Mark loves me for who I am and never wants to hurt me.  I know he challenges me to become a better person and some things he says or does don't even mean the same thing they may mean to me.  I have to recognize we've grown up in two different worlds and that he's not out to get me. 

Marriage is about give and take.  Sometimes I take more, sometimes I give more.  Sometimes I look things over and ignore them, sometimes I let the worst of my emotions rope me in and get upset about the tiniest detail, sometimes I act like a grown up and address a concern in a responsible, mature way.  I think the latter solution is one that involves the first one I mentioned -- sometimes acting like a grown up means ignoring something if it's not going to hurt anyone, i.e. leaving out two pairs of shoes in the living room.  Yes, I enjoy a clean, clutter-free home, but is it worth it to cause an evening of misery for our family if I feel the need to blow up over two pairs of shoes being out in the man's own home?  I pat myself on the back when I'm able to recognize that our home, or whatever it is, is half Mark's, so he's entitled to choose how he wants to take care of it.  Again, sometimes he gives a little, sometimes he takes a little, too; there's a balance we must find.

We were having dinner with Opa and Oma the other day, and, again, I left inspired by their marriage, their relationship.  It really leaves you something to think about when you watch these two interact.  I've known them now for three years (?), and I've definitely noticed how loving and accepting the two are of each other.  It's a rare occasion to see the two disagree or correct each other, at least in front of others.  They are supportive of one another and don't get upset over the little things -- ever.  They have certainly mastered the art of picking battles. 

I think it's an important key to a happy marriage and one I hope to noticeably improve in our marriage.  Hmmm, I hear a 2011 resolution?  Ha, I won't wait that long to work on it ... ;-)

Cancun trip, Thanksgiving 2009

3 questions to help you be a better spouse

One aspect of having a successful marriage is to be the best spouse you can be.  While this is a lifetime mission, there are simple questions you can periodically ask yourself to take baby steps toward being the person to whom you, yourself, would want to be married.

1. Has my spouse mentioned several times something that bothers him?
   If it's something that improves your character and not something that makes you uncomfortable, take note of it and make an honest effort at trying to improve or change.  As for me, Mark mentioned something three times in one day last week before it hit me that I needed to seriously consider it.  Sometimes we need to be hit with a brick before we open our eyes.  Better late than never!
2. Do I have someone who can serve as a marriage mentor or accountability partner for my marriage?
   I've found it to be important to have both couples who have healthy, long-term, loving marriages from whom to learn and seek advice as well as a spiritual director or accountability partner to help me look at myself as a wife in a more objective manner.  I'm so far from being the perfect wife, and it's good for my humility to have someone who can lovingly, but honestly, point out the ways in which I can improve.  I meet with my spiritual director once a month.
3. Do I regularly pray for just my spouse and his needs and intentions?
   I've mentioned before the importance of couples who pray together, but what about the times when you pray on your own and mention the intentions or needs of just your spouse and not include yourself in there?  You have to remember that your spouse is also your brother / sister in Christ who has spiritual needs outside that of your relationship.  He is your best friend, and you want the best for him in all manners of his life -- not just his marriage.  Mark and I made a commitment about a month ago to pray for each other every day at 6:13 p.m. (our anniversary is June 13, aka 6/13), no matter what's going on.  We've both set the alarm on our cell phones to go off as a reminder.  This time of prayer is not about us as a couple but for each other and those things for which we need intercession outside of our marriage.  To help us grow into the saints we've been called to become.  It draws us together spiritually, no matter where we may physically be. 

 Annual Christmas Party at Night Train's, 2009

Superpowers in marriage

This morning, I read a question that asked me what superpower I'd like to have in marriage.

Hmmmm ... time travel comes to mind.  Being able to see into our future life, 10, 20, 50 years down the road seems like it would be neat, but then again, it takes the fun and excitement out of growing together.  I do love surprises, and I'm sure those surprises will be what brings me and Mark closer together through the years.

Sometimes telepathy sounds like it would be beneficial to have.  There are plenty of times when I can't tell what Mark's thinking.  He's not as vocal about his feelings as I can be, but then again, he's also not as opinionated as I can be.  If I could read his thoughts, though, I think it would take the fun out of conversation.  What point would there be in conversing much at all?  Sounds kind of boring -- just sitting there and putting a few words out there every now and then and just hearing his reaction without him saying a thing.  Also, because we're not perfect humans, it's not so easy to control our thoughts.  We all know they whirl around by themselves, thinking good and bad things.  That's why I like to practice using what I like to call a filter.  Thinking before you speak.  I'm sure if I could read Mark's thoughts, we'd argue a lot more because he wouldn't have the chance to think about what he wanted to say before speaking, putting together his thoughts eloquently.  Also, sometimes things just don't need to be said -- if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.  That would pretty much go out the window if I could read his thoughts.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying Mark has negative thoughts all of the time.  I just think we'd both be happier if he (and I both) has the ability to use filters to be purposeful and deliberate in conversation. 

I think the superpower I'd like to have in marriage would be the ability to be loving at all times.  Even though it's something for which we all strive, we fail more times than we can count.  If I could consistently be patient, kind, gentle, caring, loving, selfless, humble and understanding effortlessly, that would be cool.  Mark would think so, too, I think.

Since I doubt I'll be bestowed with any superpowers in the near future, I guess I'll continue to work toward the one I'd desire and try to earn it on my own.  That's the point, isn't it?

January 2010, Keystone, CO trip