Couples of Faith panel

Mark and I have been asked to sit on a panel of married couples for this month's Couples of Faith night at our parish. I think it is a beautiful opportunity to witness what's been revealed to us, so far, about marriage and Christ's plan for this vocation of ours, but I have to admit we're also a little hesitant. Most of the audience will be couples that have been married for quite some time, while Mark and I will be sharing our two years' worth  of reflections. We've been assured, however, that we're thought to have some valuable input on what it means to be intentional about including Christ in our marriage, so, with prayer, may every purpose God has for including us on this panel be fulfilled. Keep this event and our witness in your prayers, if you will, and, if you're in town, come to it! It's this Friday, Sept. 9 at 6:30 p.m. at St. Thomas More Catholic Church.

We have given a similar witness on our vocation before; hopefully having more time under our belt will allow us further insight.

St. Joseph, patron saint of married couples, pray for us!

June 13, 2009

Representing Jesus in your marriage

As Christians, we're taught that marriage is supposed to reflect the personal and intimate union between Christ and his Church. That's a huge call!

If your marriage is one that publicly displays discord on a regular basis, think about what that means in regards to reflecting the union between Christ and his Church. I'm not talking about a low profile disagreement here and there but more about those times it makes others uncomfortable to be around you because you're not being discreet with each other about your negative feelings regarding something in your relationship.

It seems that while we should be sincere and real about our marriages in public, we should also be making the extra effort to be on our best behavior, to put on a good face and be positive about our relationship especially when in public. You're representing Jesus here, folks.

Besides, being on our best behavior is bound to be good for our marriages, anyway. It can most certainly soften our hearts if we're harboring negative feelings or need time to cool down before reacting to a situation.

I almost always kick myself after a situation when I've poorly and too openly displayed my negative emotions to Mark in public. It's embarrassing for everyone, and it leaves a poor taste in everyone's mouth. You especially don't want your spouse's loved ones to think you don't honor your spouse in a holy way.

Next time you're around friends or in public with your honey and feel like snapping at him / her, making a negative comment or even using ugly body language, think precisely about that -- honoring your spouse in a holy way. It can only improve your marriage and draw you closer to the Lord. Not saying it's easy, but it's definitely something to be aware of and work on.

Aug. 29, 2008, the day we got engaged -- a celebration dinner at Pappadeaux (yum!)

Marriage as a holy mirror

Why do I bother to blog about marriage?  Why not just blog about my own marriage, my relationship with my hubby and not bring others into it?

Well, I believe in marriage.  I believe strongly in what marriage was created to be and what I believe its purpose to be.  I don't believe marriage is just for a husband's and wife's benefit, for them to stay in their little comfortable bubble of bliss and enjoy by themselves.  I believe husbands and wives are called to be witnesses to the world, that marriage is a tool that should glorify God.

St. Paul tells us in Ephesians 5:25, "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church and handed himself over for her."  The purpose of this directive was that the Christian marriage is to be a reflection of Christ's relationship to his bride, the Church. When others look at the Christian marriage, they are to see Christ's great love reflected in the love the husband has for his wife.

I also believe that everyone (married couples, in particular) is called to be supportive of this vocation, especially in a world that has such a secular and watered down view of this most precious of divine calls to service to the Church and humanity.  We are to encourage one another in our marriages, most importantly serve and minister to those who are struggling in their marriages.

One of the ways I feel called to do this is through my little, unimportant blog here on marriage.  My hope is that it might provide an inkling of occasional hope to happily married couples, struggling married couples, those who haven't yet discerned their vocation, single people and even those called to religious life.  Maybe even future Jen.  I pray that it moves people in a way that would set them on fire for their own holy callings. 

I fully and humbly admit that, being a newlywed, I have no idea what I'm talking about.  I've only been married a little over a year and have, God willing, a lot of life together with Mark ahead of me.  I know struggles are waiting to meet us there and that our love (the decision) will be tested and tried.  Will I feel like blogging about the joys and blessings of marriage then?  Probably not. 

With all this in mind, I am blessed to have hope.  Hope in the sacrament of marriage, hope in my marriage, hope in the marriages of those I love and hope for all married couples.

"Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom ... we boast in hope of the glory of God.  Not only that, but we even boast of our afflictions, knowing that affliction produces endurance, and endurance, proven character, and proven character, hope, and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out into our hearts through the holy Spirit that has been given to us."

I encourage you to pray regularly for married couples, especially those struggling in their marriages.  Hold fast to "a future full of hope" and realize that, if you've been called to marriage, you are called to be more that just a person having life experiences with someone else, doing your own thing in the world.  You are called to be a mirror of Christ and the love he has for his Church.  It's a big job, but you'll be equipped to meet your challenges.  That's the ultimate goal as a married person, really.

How will you answer the call today?

Destin, FL, June 2008

To love, the decision

This morning as I was driving to work, I was listening to a morning radio show that was discussing whether the co-hosts thought love was a decision.  I frustratedly listened to the one girl's poor defense that love is a decision, but her lack of words and reason left her defeated in the conversation.  I flipped the station in annoyance.

One reason marriage is so dishonored in society is because of pop culture illustrating love as an emotion.  Lust is an emotion.  Infatuation is an emotion.  Love is a conscience decision.

How does one settle this argument?  Define what we mean by the term "love."  What I term as the word is "putting the needs of others above yourself."  Doesn't sound like an emotion to me.  That is an action, a purposeful intention one makes.  A decision. 

Falling in love simply means falling into infatuation, attraction, that ooey-gooey feeling we get when our emotions get high and we get butterflies in our stomach just by looking at or being around someone.

We're all called to love everyone we meet -- put everyone's needs above those of ourselves.  I know, I'm not proclaiming to be any good at it, but it is everyone's higher purpose and for what we should all strive in the end.

Mark sometimes kids, saying he loves me most of the time.  Then I bring up to him that he probably likes me most of the time, but he chooses to love me at all times.  Even when he wants to pull his hair out with me, he still loves me.  He self-proclaimedly made that commitment and promise the morning he proposed.  He then usually agrees. :)  If there ever were to be a time that he actually doesn't love me, we would have a serious problem.  That would mean he is consciously choosing to not love me, to not put my needs above his own, to choose himself first, to not be committed to us, and our marriage would be on a very dangerous path. 

When you're upset with your family, you still love them.  If you're in healthy relationships, you would still do anything for them.  That is love.  Love isn't easy.  With anyone.  But it's a decision we all make with those whom are important.  In good times and in bad.

Luc: I loved my mother.
Kate: No, everybody loves their mother. Even people who hate their mothers love their mothers.
~ "French Kiss" the movie

Great movie!

Thanksgiving 2009, Cancun, Mexico

Why everyone, regardless of vocation, should care about the state of marriage in society

"While marriage is a special blessing for Christians because of the grace of Christ, marriage is also a natural blessing and gift for everyone in all times and cultures. It is a source of blessing to the couple, to their families and to society and includes the wondrous gift of co-creating human life. Indeed, as Pope John Paul II never tired of reminding us, the future of humanity depends on marriage and the family. It is just such a conviction that has led us, the Catholic bishops of the United States, to write this pastoral letter. "
~ "Marriage: Love and Life in the Divine Plan," U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops

What a powerful statement for all of society -- "...the future of humanity depends on marriage and the family."  What I love most about this statement is the implication that it isn't only married couples who should care about the state of marriage and how it affects society; everyone -- single, married and religious persons -- should pay attention to the state of marriage.  If we all don't, it's detrimental to the future of humanity and how this world will evolve.  It's that important!

Many of us exist because of marriage.  Think about that.  Our very existence has depended upon this most holy sacrament and union.

Without marriage, without healthy marriages, where else does our society have to go other than awry?  It is a scary and unstable feeling to watch how the sanctity of marriage has become more and more diminished as I've grown up.  Popular culture teaches us to choose convenience over commitment, immediate pleasure over prayerful discernment, lust over love.

One of my favorite Scripture verses is, "Do not conform yourselves to this age, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and pleasing and perfect" (Romans 12:2).  That statement has applied to anyone who has ever lived as we all have and will be challenged by spiritual warfare.  The state of marriage in our society deserves no less attention.

Why should unmarried persons care?  Because their mothers and fathers, friends and family, potential future spouses are all living or will be living it.  The preservation of their own families from which they come, God-willing, depends on it.  As one of the three vocations, the discernment of being called to married life is one of the most important decisions a person will ever make.  The commitment to it is even more important.

Married and unmarried persons can help to preserve the sanctity of marriage by supporting men and women in their vocation of marriage, especially in difficult times.  This means helping keep our friends accountable in being a good and holy wife or husband, praying for them, ministering to them during times of illness or when they need extra help, encouraging them to seek spiritual direction or counseling during times of struggle as well as urging them to remember to take time for one another, prioritize one another (even over children) and go on dates.  Help to make this easy for them by offering to babysit or occasionally setting up something for them.  Double date. 

Married and unmarried persons can also help to preserve the sanctity of marriage by having the courage to spread the Good News about marriage when given the opportunity, especially on issues of cohabitation, divorce, denial or abandonment of a married couple’s responsibility to be open to children and the individualistic mentality that sees marriage as a mostly private matter and not so related to the common good.

Heavenly Father, through the intercession of the Holy Family, help us treasure the gift of marriage that reflects the love of Christ for the Church, where the self-giving love of husband and wife unites them more perfectly and cooperates in your plan for new life created in your image. Help us support men and women in their vocation of marriage, especially in difficult times when they join their sufferings to the Cross. Help us uphold the institution of marriage in our society as the place where love is nurtured and family life begins. Help us acknowledge that our future depends on this love and on your providential care for us.  Amen.  

Cousin's wedding, April 2008

Thankful for having the same mindset on marriage

Why are some people so down on marriage?  Why do some people get married, saying, upfront, that divorce is an option if the two people get bored with one another or feel like moving on?  It's irritating. 

How did I get so blessed to be married to a man who loves being married and thinks the utmost of the sacrament of marriage?  These are his own words, by the way.  That divorce is never an option.

I am overwhelmed with love and thank God every day for finding it good and pleasing that He should bring us together.  I am so undeserving!

Cozumel, Mexico trip, August 2007

Marriage is 1 of 3 vocations ... not everyone's

Last night, Mark and I were driving home from date night (went to go see "The Hot Tub Time Machine") and listening to some radio talk show.  The issue being discussed on-air was the way to manhood as described by Ernest Hemingway.  He stated that a boy became a man by completing four tasks:

1. Plant a tree.
2. Father a son.
3. Fight a bull.
4. Write a book.

 No. 1, 3 and 4 are the ones with which I don't have a problem.  It's No. 2 where my issue lies -- "father a son."

The talk show had three males guests who were discussing what their ideas of the way to manhood were, and all three of them also said that fathering a son would be on the list.  Now, don't get me wrong, fatherhood, parenting a child is very admirable and all married men should deem this as necessary to consider and pray about.  The problem, however, lies in that very issue -- all married men.  Only one of the three vocations is marriage.  The other two are religious life and single life.  I most certainly do not think men called to these other two vocations are to father a child in order to become a man.  According to this radio talk show, then, men called to the religious and single life never fully become "men."  Rubbish!

What about the men called to marriage who aren't able to conceive children?  Are they all supposed to adopt?  What about the notion of "spiritual fatherhood," where a man shows great love and encouragement, almost as a mentor, to someone younger than he?

I just don't agree that a male who never fathers a child, for whatever reason, is any less of a man than someone who has conceived a child.  Especially in cases of men who conceive a child then disappear and the child grows up never knowing their "father" and when men who are never able to conceive a child take a child under their wings and love on them as a spiritual father.  These latter males are much more of a "man" than the former.

This brings me back to society's view of marriage being the default vocation for everyone.  If people truly discerned their vocations, I believe the divorce rate would be much lower and people would be happier and have more peace.  May we all encourage our loved ones to have a true discernment of vocation and consider all three vocations -- especially our younger loved ones!  It's so important to fully educate them on all options so that they may have a clear discernment.

April 2007, downtown Austin

The vocation of marriage talk ... given by newlyweds

So in our wise, wise stage of having been married eight months and having learned all there is to about the vocation of marriage and, of course, after having dated the most perfectly and holy-ily (is that a word?) way as possible, Mark and I were invited to come give a talk on the vocation of marriage to the St. John Neumann Church confirmation class for high school students.  Hahahahahahahah ... yea, I think it's safe to say that Mark and I were far from perfect in our dating relationship, and we've barely scraped the surface of our married life together.  "Two American kids doin' the best they can."  John Mellencamp-style.

In all honesty, Mark and I were humbled and honored to have been asked to give our reflection on this vocation to which him and I have been called.  One of the things about which I am most passionate is protecting the sanctity of marriage in today's society.  Everywhere you look in popular culture, there's something to tear down, belittle or deteriorate this most beautiful institution of marriage created by God and designed to bring us closer to Him.  To reflect the marriage of Christ the bridegroom to His bride, the Church.  To glorify His name.  Mark and I jumped at the opportunity to serve as Christ's voice to these 80 high school kids.

No, we don't know the half of what it's like to be married.  We haven't been through those life situations defined as those that "will make or break you or your marriage."  We do know, however, what it's like to earnestly discern your vocation and how to continue to view that way of life as just that -- a journey by which you grow closer to God and one that gets you into Heaven, God-willing.

In the first five months of our dating, Mark co-led a retreat for our young adult ministry with a friend of ours.  One of the talks given that weekend was by a young married couple, who shared with us the wisdom they had learned from their own vocation discernment, moving from single persons to a dating couple to husband and wife and then to parents.  One particular thing they said especially left an imprint on both mine and Mark's hearts -- it was that they felt it their duty to share their witness story as a married couple when invited to.  Invitations to share their vocation discernment story gave them the opportunity to spread the Good News about marriage (a vocation to which the majority of us are called, I think it's safe to say) and hopefully inspire others to earnestly discern their own callings.  The way in which they worded this was beautiful, and I'm sorry that I can't recall their exact verbage, but it was powerful enough to move me and my husband to joyfully accept any invitations to share our own story when given the opportunity.  One little way of ours to help build the Kingdom.

Hopefully we touched at least one heart in our talk on Sunday, whether it be a future priest / nun / person called to religious life, husband or wife, or person called to the single life.  I hope that it is a talk Mark and I will give several times over the next 60+ years that will only grow more beautiful with time.  God has much to do with us yet!

 

St. Patrick's Day, March 2006