Representing Jesus in your marriage

As Christians, we're taught that marriage is supposed to reflect the personal and intimate union between Christ and his Church. That's a huge call!

If your marriage is one that publicly displays discord on a regular basis, think about what that means in regards to reflecting the union between Christ and his Church. I'm not talking about a low profile disagreement here and there but more about those times it makes others uncomfortable to be around you because you're not being discreet with each other about your negative feelings regarding something in your relationship.

It seems that while we should be sincere and real about our marriages in public, we should also be making the extra effort to be on our best behavior, to put on a good face and be positive about our relationship especially when in public. You're representing Jesus here, folks.

Besides, being on our best behavior is bound to be good for our marriages, anyway. It can most certainly soften our hearts if we're harboring negative feelings or need time to cool down before reacting to a situation.

I almost always kick myself after a situation when I've poorly and too openly displayed my negative emotions to Mark in public. It's embarrassing for everyone, and it leaves a poor taste in everyone's mouth. You especially don't want your spouse's loved ones to think you don't honor your spouse in a holy way.

Next time you're around friends or in public with your honey and feel like snapping at him / her, making a negative comment or even using ugly body language, think precisely about that -- honoring your spouse in a holy way. It can only improve your marriage and draw you closer to the Lord. Not saying it's easy, but it's definitely something to be aware of and work on.

Aug. 29, 2008, the day we got engaged -- a celebration dinner at Pappadeaux (yum!)

Disagreeing in a healthy way

My brother-in-law sent me an article he thought went well with my marriage blog, so I thought I'd post a link to it! I appreciate the suggestion, Paul. :)

It is an article about ways to disagree ("fight") in a healthy way. Definitely some good points to note, especially:

"This is important to me. Please listen."
"I overreacted. I'm sorry."
"I realize it's not your fault."
"I'm sorry."

We could all use this reminder about trying to communicate in a loving way when we don't always see eye to eye right away.

Read more here.

Picking battles

I'll admit it -- I can sometimes be too sensitive.  I'd like to say I've gotten better over the years, but in all honesty, I'm not sure there's been a noticeable improvement, at least to others.

I think choosing your battles is a fine art one has to master.  It's difficult to let some things roll off your back, but I know that, in all reality, Mark loves me for who I am and never wants to hurt me.  I know he challenges me to become a better person and some things he says or does don't even mean the same thing they may mean to me.  I have to recognize we've grown up in two different worlds and that he's not out to get me. 

Marriage is about give and take.  Sometimes I take more, sometimes I give more.  Sometimes I look things over and ignore them, sometimes I let the worst of my emotions rope me in and get upset about the tiniest detail, sometimes I act like a grown up and address a concern in a responsible, mature way.  I think the latter solution is one that involves the first one I mentioned -- sometimes acting like a grown up means ignoring something if it's not going to hurt anyone, i.e. leaving out two pairs of shoes in the living room.  Yes, I enjoy a clean, clutter-free home, but is it worth it to cause an evening of misery for our family if I feel the need to blow up over two pairs of shoes being out in the man's own home?  I pat myself on the back when I'm able to recognize that our home, or whatever it is, is half Mark's, so he's entitled to choose how he wants to take care of it.  Again, sometimes he gives a little, sometimes he takes a little, too; there's a balance we must find.

We were having dinner with Opa and Oma the other day, and, again, I left inspired by their marriage, their relationship.  It really leaves you something to think about when you watch these two interact.  I've known them now for three years (?), and I've definitely noticed how loving and accepting the two are of each other.  It's a rare occasion to see the two disagree or correct each other, at least in front of others.  They are supportive of one another and don't get upset over the little things -- ever.  They have certainly mastered the art of picking battles. 

I think it's an important key to a happy marriage and one I hope to noticeably improve in our marriage.  Hmmm, I hear a 2011 resolution?  Ha, I won't wait that long to work on it ... ;-)

Cancun trip, Thanksgiving 2009

Seeing myself more clearly

I can read nonfiction books from time to time.  Self-help, practical, how-to books (and biographies) are books I can read if I can find the time and motivation.  Fiction books aren't my thing; I can't shake the feeling that I'm wasting my time when I could be doing something more practical.  Call it the productivity monster in me.

I've never tried listening to an audiobook, so I was excited to recently get one from Amazon the other day to try to listen to while I'm driving so I don't have to find extra time to sit down and read.  It's called "The Power of Prayer to Change Your Marriage" by Stormie O'Martian.  She's written all of the "The Power of (a Praying Husband / Wife, a Praying Parent, Praying for Your Adult Children, etc.)" books, which I love because they give you great prayers to reflect upon in your relationships.  "The Power of Prayer to Change Your Marriage" isn't just for struggling marriages, as you might think upon reading the title; instead, it's a book that offers prayers and reflections on strengthening your marriage, especially in areas where one or more of you might be weaker than others.

I just started it yesterday and have only gotten through one chapter but something has already struck me and offered opportunity for reflection -- how being married opens your eyes, quite widely, to see your own shortcomings.  I don't remember the exact phrasing, but let me explain.

I think it's safe to say that I've been at least somewhat aware of my own weaknesses and character flaws as an adult.  Through examinations of conscience over the years to relational communications with the different people in my life, the ways in which I fall short of being perfect have been made quite aware to me.

Now that I'm married, though, I find myself continuously noticing and becoming more and more aware of those ways.  I meet once a month with a spiritual director and every other week with an accountability partner, and both of these individuals help me to seek out those ways in which I can improve myself, as a Catholic, daughter, employee, friend, sister, co-worker, leader, follower and wife, among the other roles I play.  Every time Mark and I have a disagreement or I feel any disarray about something in our marriage, I see a new perspective on my behavior, how I can try to stop changing Mark and start working on myself.

More than ever, I can see where I need God's grace.  Mark may say something about the way I'm acting; he may not.  It may be my own guilt and examination of conscience that allows me to see myself through his eyes, and then I may say something about how I will try to improve; I may not say something.  Many times, I just resolve to work on something myself or tell my spiritual director and accountability partner and see how altering my behavior or approach may improve mine and Mark's marriage over time.

Being able to see your faults more clearly is not a bad thing, though.  I don't think it means that I'm any more of a sinner or that I'm a bad person since we got married.  I just think it means I have more opportunities to ask and receive God's grace to become the person He's called me to become.  Mark's helping me to get to Heaven, and I know he's there to assist God in helping me become the saint God's called me to become.  [*We're all called to become saints -- not just me! :)]

I consider it a blessing, most days (!), that I can see ways in which I can improve.  I know trying to become a better wife will only help me to become a better everything else -- Catholic, daughter, employee, friend, sister, co-worker, leader, follower, etc.

I have a looooong road to go and I don't even know the half of it, but I have hope and faith that I can travel it and enjoy the ride.  I'm so thankful to have Mark there to encourage me along the way.

Halloween 2007

Learning to be silent

This post from The Marry Blogger is definitely relevant to me. I absolutely process thoughts by talking them out and need to focus on the art of listening, reflection and even silence.

The Silent Treatment Can be Good for My Marriage!: "


If ”Silence is an art”, then I need to go back to art class!

Recently, I have noticed that silence can be good for my marriage. 

I am not talking about the traditional ’silent treatment’! I am talking about asking My Incredible Husband™ a question and then being silent. For some, this may be easy, but for me, it’s a hard thing to do.

When I was a kid, I always got the “talks to much” box marked on my report card. If I didn’t, my mom would ask me what was wrong!

Read more here.

Learning to sleep ... together

Six months later, we're still refining the art of sleeping in the same bed together.  Somehow over the years I've become a light sleeper (maybe from when I used to live by myself, I became heightened to hearing every noise??), so trying to ignore every shift and breath (especially during high peak allergy seasons) of Mark's has been a challenge for me. 

I've tried every earplug drugstores sell -- not joking.  Either I can't put them in right or they fall out when I'm sleeping or I can hear everything through them, so those weren't working.  Needless to say, when I didn't use them, Mark did not appreciate me waking him up every couple of hours and asking him to rollover and I was basically suffering from long-term lack of sleep.  We always have the ceiling fan on high, I have a portable fan on my nightstand next to my bed and we have white noise of rain playing pretty loudly also on my nightstand.  I usually make sure to go to bed before Mark so that I fall asleep first (that boy falls asleep in only a couple of minutes!), and I have been taking melatonin every night to help me fall asleep quicker.  Mark can't stand wearing breathing strips at night, so we tried to rotate nights where I'd have to wear the sad earplugs that didn't really work and Mark wearing breathing strips.  What else was I to do??

Short of Mark going to see a doctor about breathing easier at night, I found out about custom made earplugs that audiologists can make.  So earlier this month, I went and got fitted for a pair of my own in hopes it would solve my struggle of putting in earplugs.  Three weeks later, I picked them up Monday!

New problem: They drown out the noise pretty well, but they also hurt my ears when I lay on either side.  Nooooooo!  So now I wake up constantly throughout the night because my ears are hurting and I have to roll to the other side until the other side hurts enough to wake me up.  Repeat.

I've contacted the audiologist to see if this is a common problem, or if perhaps the fit isn't right.  The earplugs weren't cheap, by any means, and the fit is supposed to be guaranteed.  So we'll see what happens. 

Until then, I just remember how blessed I am to have someone whom I love so dearly sleeping next to me every night. 

We'll get there.

Thankful for companionship

There are many things about marriage I love ... Today I am thankful for Mark's companionship. 

The word "companion" is defined as:

• one who accompanies another
• one who is closely connected with something similar

The last couple of weeks have seemed a little crazy for me ... between the holidays and minor crises involving my personal information, emotions have been running somewhat high on my end.  One thing I learn from Mark on a regular basis is taking life with a grain of salt.  He is Mr. Laid Back, easygoing, roll with the punches kinda fellow, while I lie on pretty much on the complete opposite side of the spectrum: Ms. Detail Oriented, thorough planner, analytical kinda girl.

He has been so patient with me these last few weeks and is counter-acting my frenzy with such grace.  Yesterday, for example, he helped me look high and low, even going through the garbage and dirty clothes, to try to find something.  When the conclusion finally came to being that we weren't going to find it, he so calmly and lovingly helped me to realize it wasn't that big of a deal that really had a simple solution.

Those moments of peace that occur right after you realize everything's going to be OK are so sweet.  Mark allows me these moments more than he realizes. 

What does this have to do with companionship?  To me, the idea of companionship means loyalty and assistance, among other things.  Sticking by me when I seem a little nutty and helping me to be a better person beautifully illustrates loyalty and assistance.

My perfect companion provides me those moments of clarity to see the bigger picture.  How beautiful.